Friday, May 31, 2013

My OCD Confessions

To anyone else this might look like a pretty and innocent stack of muffins, to me this is a nightmare.  It is fine for now.  As soon as someone decides to enjoy them, it becomes my greatest frustration.

I have OCD, there I said it, I confessed.  I have been battling this problem since my teen years.  My problems become worse when I get stressed.

I made muffins to go with part of dinner, they were pretty much perfect.  I stacked them so nicely.  They looked so pretty sitting there.

Matt could tell that I was stressed by the way I was acting, the downfall to someone who can read you like an open book.  Matt simply threatened to collapse the base (in a joking way), by taking one of the bottom muffins.  It spiraled downhill from there.

It was an emotional crisis.  It started with nervous laughing, because I knew he was teasing me.  Then it turned into an all out nervous break down, because he was going to mess up the stack.  I was crying and felt ashamed, because I shouldn't be so worried about muffins that were going to be eaten anyway.

One of the ways to work through OCD, is for someone to pressure you with the things that irritate you.  In this case he was preying on my muffin perfection.  I really can't handle people messing with my kitchen, eating my cookies before they are totally done being made or messing with where things are placed in my kitchen.

I am not one of the cases where people wash their hands a bunch or have to turn the lights on and off a number of times.  I am not terrified of germs.  My problems are encountered especially when stressed.  I have to have things organized perfectly.  I will check the locks (to make sure I locked them) multiple times, or the appliances (to make sure I turned them off) several times, out of fear that I forgot.  I am always nervous about going around people, for fear of getting sick.

I also avoid going around people, to avoid the extra stress.  When it is just Matt, the kids and I, I am usually just fine.  My house can be an utter mess sometimes and not even bother me.  When I get on the phone with certain people I automatically start cleaning the house, because they stress me.
There are so many times that I feel limited.  The hard part is that the only thing limiting me is myself.  I have to change myself, in order to be done with all of my problems.  I think the hardest thing and also the easiest thing in life is to change yourself.

OCD is one of those challenges that I am trying to overcome.  It is not an easy thing.  I hate the anxiety attacks and emotion (crying and anger) that it brings out in me.  I want to be the Mom, who when my son brings five friends home, I can handle a bunch of teen boys stealing my cookie dough before it is baked.
I really want my problems to be a thing of the past.  I am really trying hard to make changes in my life, that will challenge my limitations.  The only way to grow, is to stretch yourself.  Matt is helping me to stretch myself, and over time I am slowly becoming able to deal with things a little better.